Update

I know I haven't been posting much more than poems as of late and it's not because things aren't going on per say, rather they're too complicated or too strange or I'm just too tired to try. Besides that, I don't want to constantly be that person with those depressing posts!


So, good things first. My brother Michael came out on Monday with his girlfriend Alex. I'll post a picture this weekend. Before hand I will admit I had some mixed feelings about meeting her. Something to the extent of, what if we don't get along and I just got him (in my life) and I don't want to share him yet:) I know, I'm five years old. I REALLY wanted to like her though, I promise. Also, they went to San Fransisco first to see her sister, then to L.A. to visit a friend of his and then down here so we only had one day with them, Tuesday. I was, of course, happy to have any time with Michael but I've also been really tired lately and I didn't think I had it in me to be "on" with meeting his girlfriend and all. The moment I met her Monday night, I knew that wouldn't be a problem. She immediantly was sweet to Lucy which of course means the most to me. And she was kind and attentive to her the whole time. Not in that patronizing way but in (truly) showing interest in her school and in what she had to say which I will admit I don't even accomplish all the time. My child is as high energy and crazy as her...um....mother (great now it's in writing) and when she gets excited, say when a favorite uncle is visiting, she tends to act like a crack head on speed. Anyway, Alex rocks and we're hoping they'll come back for birthday celebrations in August.


Now the "other" news. I haven't slept much in two and a half weeks and I think I'm having trouble processing things. It's like I have all this information in my head that I have no idea what to do with. Danny went to get the window fixed in my Jeep on Tuesday and Dan (at the gas station) asked him about Barbara's latest stunt which we hadn't heard about. She's spent much of the last couple of weeks drunk. We know this because she calls us and asks the same questions over and over again. So, last Friday, she got mad at Kat for something and tried to get into her locked room. When Kat wouldn't open, Barbara got a hammer and broke through the door....thoughts of the movie The Shining came to our minds. Barbara breaks through, "Here's Barbie"! Once in the room, she went after Kat with the hammer, apparently yelling something about it being her last day. Now understand Barbara has been doing this since I was a kid. She likes to pick up "weapons" and threaten her children with them. Usually the house is damaged more than the people as is the case this time. She ended up breaking Kat's double window and then grabbing a pair of scissors and chasing her around the house. The glass guy was called out for a quick fix/cover up.


The thing is, I know that these are circumstances that I cannot control. And the town can talk all they want. It's all true and I've never cared what others thought anyway. What makes me sad is that this was a family. Not a perfect one and Barbara always had her issues, to put it nicely. But they cared how others saw us. Now they don't. Dad seems as gone as she is. I don't know if he's just fed up, trying not to care or sick and not telling us. I can't read him anymore. In short, a family, part of my family, has broken into tiny pieces. The people I knew are gone and I'm not sure they're coming back. So while I continue to live the best I can for my own family, these things are there, haunting me and making me sad. That's the only word I have for it right now. Because while I know I am completly not alone, I feel very alone in this knowledge. I feel very confused on how to handle it. I know, due to an incident that occured at the end of 2006, that Lucy is not safe around Barbara so we've already cut contact off for the most part between the two of them. I try to keep my distance too and once Pop's here, it'll be that much easier.

I'm rambling now so I'm going to stop. Again, life isn't horrible, just confusing the heck out me. Did I mention that I could REALLY use a good night sleep? ZZzzzz....