I have NEVER been good with change. I realize it's part of life and therefore I must accept it. Perhaps it is the writer side of me that looks far too deeply into things. I hate that I view everything small as a sign that my universe has somehow fallen off kilter and therefore is bound to implode at any moment. Take Alpine for instance. What happened to my Alpine? My sweet little town that during my teen years friends referred respectfully to as "cow patty land." No one wanted to drive to the "middle of nowhere." I found solace in my writing and found imagination. Not that I had a choice, but I'm thankful regardless.
Now, it's Albertson's and ugly brown cookie cutter houses, Starbucks, a remodeled Alpine Inn (I liked the musty Pirate's of the Caribbean feel), and the entire Daniels Market area gone. It might be pathetic but I liked the old pharmacy and the Radio Shack. I remember going into the now torn down building that was once a bank (and later Gymtricks), when I was a little girl. I don't know why but I always thought banks were the coolest thing. They were quiet and looked and smelled like a hotel. The women that worked at them had perfectly styled hair with manicured nails.
Most significant still, family and friends. This area of my life has changed so dramatically in the past few months. It's a bit frightening when one is forced to realize that all the things they thought they could count on for stability, actually have a false bottom. I have had to take a really hard look at who I am, what my family (Lu and Jude) means to me and how I want the three of us to live. I've also had to step back and look clearly at the people in my life and whether or not they give as much as they take. The biggest change was coming to grips with some experiences that took place in my childhood that I had not wanted to face the truth about. I had to learn that someone I'd always viewed as a hero, because I wanted him to be, wasn't.
We're looking at a move in a few months, the town I love won't be my home anymore, not that I recognize it anyway. Jude and I will turn 30 this year, we might try and adopt a baby, I'm still trying to decide whether I want to start college back up in August or concentrate full time on writing, and we're going it alone, without the support of extended family. My only regret in that, is for Lu. She deserves wonderful grandparents. Thankfully, we have many supportive friends that we consider family.
I guess change is a little scary for everyone, even if they enjoy it. I just have to remember that the most important things in my life were born out of change: Steps in my Christian walk, maturity, marriage and my baby girl, the amazing Miss Lu. Whatever change lies ahead of me in the last months of my twenties, I know God is orchestrating. And whatever doors he opens, we will walk through faithfully. God's got plans for my thirties and for this family. Painful journeys aren't so bad in life if we take something from them. Without the struggles, how could we truly appreciate the blessings?
3 comments:
I read a book once that talked about making your family "home". Your own traditions and habits becoming that safe haven for Lu. We'll miss you being physically here but know that mentally and spiritually you'll be better off in your own "home" with Jude and Lu. Don't forget though that we need to go to lunch before you leave. I hope my same old self doesn't disappoint though:)
I think the fact that it is the "same old" you is why I find comfort with you and your family:) I read that in a book too, mine was called Living spaces.
Change can be a real bear...let's see, Ran & I moved back and forth four times before we "settled in". We have truly found that joy in one another is home. Definitely not the place we store our "stuff" :-)!
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