For the first time in my entire life I don't feel like I owe anything to my parents. In 29 years of life I've never felt like I could have anything for myself. I felt somewhat resentful toward them but I also felt obligated. With Barbara, it was like that syndrome of feeling some sort of connection to one's abuser, only worse because it was mixed with the need of a daughter to have a connection to and be accepted and loved by her mother. Although I let Lu know it's just as ok to be sad or angry as it is to be happy, as her mommy, I also do everything in my power to keep adult situations that have especially upset me, away from her. This is because it never ceases to amaze me how much my eight year old is, emotionally, already a little woman. She feels so deeply, especially toward me. If she sees me crying, she starts crying too. A few times, when she's felt I was not being cared for good enough (by others), she's said, "don't worry mommy, I'll take care of you." The loyalty of a daughter to her mother. Only, unlike my "mother", I respond with, "no baby that's not your job. It's mine to take care of you."
I don't mean this to sound ungrateful because I don't have words to express how much of a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders, but it's going to take me a while to redefine who I am as a person (for almost 30 years) with no one but myself and my family to care for. It might take me a little time to learn to be happy and to relax. I have my ongoing concerns about the holidays or as time passes, what do I do if/when they try to contact us? I've tried to talk to them but they don't hear and so my best chance is to figure out myself and my feelings and if they are too toxic to allow back into my life or not. Everything in my entire life has been unfinished or put off because of the unpredictability of my world.
I had to fill out a questionnaire once for counseling and one of the things it asked was what my dad's expectations for my life where. After thinking about it I realized I had no idea. I called and asked him and he said, "well you know mom and I really never wanted to put any expectations on you kids just in case you couldn't live up to them." Wonderful! So they expected nothing and we became nothing. Great, I guess we lived up to their hopes of us.
Where do I go from here? I know who I am and have no idea how to be that person. I know what I want out of life but have no idea how to accomplish it. In the past year or so I've finally found a bit of confidence and yet I have a long way to go. I've been so terrified of failure my entire life that I just quit before I even tried. It's like I forfeited before I could fail. The dreams that have always been alive in me are the passion for writing and my desire to give Lu an amazing life! I want her to walk gracefully in the areas I fell on my face.
I think overall what I want was best summed up by Erma Bombeck. "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
4 comments:
You have done much more with your life than nothing. Your life experience has shaped who you are and is shaping who your daughter will be. I think Lucy is turning out just wonderful and that you are doing a great job with her. Don't let the past hinder your future. Now go get a massage or facial and relax:)
I'm ADHD, I don't know how to relax:) My facialist laughs at me because I talk the whole time. I tell her I'd feel less relaxed just laying there saying nothing.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I hope you see me more clearly than I see myself:) Believe it or not, I have come a really long way. I just still have a ways to go too. I'll get there, if nothing else, I know how to keep trying!
Jess, I'm proud of you for protecting Lucy's childhood. It was something I know that you didn't have (protection) and you are way ahead of the game with that one! Also, you and Danny are raising a strong and wonderfully spirited INDIVIDUAL who knows she is loved and important-that is a whole lot more than NOTHING!!!!
You are in my prayers always (for some reason I keep waking up at six every morning and just lay in bed praying for everyone!). Keep up the good fight!
I go through times of praying for everyone too. Luckily God knows me well enough to not ambush me at 6am:) I am more faithfully His after 9!
Thanks for the words of encouragement, they mean a lot. I do know Lucy isn't nothing as far as achievenments go and I do know I'm a good mom. If nothing else, that counts for everything!
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