Merry Thanksgiving!!!!

As most of you know, I am for the most part a happy person. I have more energy than is healthy for one person but am very thankful for it. And despite all of life's, oh so fun, trials, I am overall pretty optimistic. I usually do not forget to thank God for my many blessings but I have a very difficult time with Thanksgiving. It's the holiday my dad was diagnosed with cancer both times and around the time he had the stroke as well. It does hold new meaning because I do feel more thankful than I can express to God for the miracle of my dad. I'm just not so sure mother sees it all like that because she just seems set on ruining the day.

Last year I offered to cook for everyone and so I did, a gigantic and all organic meal. From the very start mother freaked out (she's bipolar for those who don't know) and I didn't even end up eating one bite of any of the food. I was so sad. So this year, Danny and I decided to go away for a home for the holiday's weekend at Forest Home Christian Retreats, by Big Bear. We were really excited, even when my parents decided to come too. Although I was a little worried about things getting messed up because they often do with mother.

So, Monday night, I brought my parents dinner and my dad talked us into staying and having it with them. We found our way to the dining room table which we hadn't eaten at together in years. It felt like old times and we even coaxed my mom off the couch to join us. She was having some sort of episode from the start because she started cooking steaks for Danny with this crazy energy, even when he said he didn't want anymore. After dinner, we were just hanging out in the family room talking. Danny was in with Pop and my mom was being really snippy with my dad and rude to me. She was also cursing about something some of her extended family did to her recently. In short, she was angry. Lucy was in the room off and on and I really didn't think my mother's behavior was appropriate although, sadly, even Lucy is used to it. Finally I told her that I'd had enough and was leaving. "Bye" she said in a really obnoxious tone. "You don't have to be rude to us," I told her. "You don't know what I've been through lately." "Yes I do but we're not the family that hurt you. In fact, I'm the family that brought dinner and made you sit and eat with us." This is when I fell off the high road (and I fell hard...darn road, why does it have to be so high?) and the two of us went back and forth for a while. She finished, with "bye, bye, bye, bye." Only it was the most obnoxious sound you have ever heard!

The following day, she called and left all these messages apologizing. She said she had been drinking and blacked out. She doesn't remember any of it. I had Kat tell her that I'm not angry with her but I can't do it anymore. It's not good for me and worse, I don't want Lucy to be around it. We had my doctor (psychologist) send a note to Forest Home saying it was not in my best interest to go, which she agreed it was not. Suddenly, we had this refund and nowhere to go and nothing to do and I was feeling really low. We went to the Bible book store and bought a few Christmas things and stopped by storage to pick up all our Christmas decorations which we set up with the Celtic Women's Christmas music as well as Josh Groban's new album Noel, playing in the background. Half way through, Danny looks at me and says, "you want to go to Disneyland on Thanksgiving?" "Sure," I respond happily. And we went to work getting a hotel room. Maybe it's not what I would like most of all, a big family Thanksgiving, but it is the "happiest place on earth." :)

As for all of you that are reading this. This is not meant to be a bummer post. This is the life God has allowed me and while I'm used to it, I'll never get over the fact that it makes me sad and how much I would've liked to have a mom. I guess God knew Barbara needed me to take care of her. I was good at it. But I've got my own family now and my care should be given to them. There's no point in continuing to put myself in the line of pain right now anyway. She went off her antidepressant to drink and won't accept that she is bipolar disorder let alone go on medicine. There's nothing more I can do for her until she does that. I don't know if any of you ever saw the ER episodes with Sally Field playing Abby's bipolar mom but that character is very similar to my mom.

Ok, so I'm excited and we're heading out of town today! I wish all of you joy, blessings and happiness this Thanksgiving. I wish you all the desires of your heart and so much love surrounding you that you don't know what to do with it. I wish one of you a day without nausea and will pray that for you! I wish you beautiful moments with loved one's and so much food your bellies are going to pop! Love you all!