Polly Ann Williams, 33 years old, took her own life on February 8th. She became known worldwide after appearing on the documentary Thin in 2006. Polly's suffering became too much for her to fight any longer, and she was a fighter. She was well loved in the eating disorder community and our hearts go out to her family.
For those of us that are left to fight on a daily basis, we must keep on! It is an ugly disease that many do not understand. We must continue to bring awareness to the world and to NEVER give up the fight against it. I'm sure Polly and others like her wouldn't want any of us to quit trying to heal and to help others heal. We need better treatment and better insurance coverage.
I pray Heaven opened its gates for her and that her Father embraced her. I hope she was welcomed by Janell, my childhood neighbor and friend that lost her battle to anorexia in 2003. May there be no more angels lost to this and may we teach our daughters to love themselves and know that they are beautiful because God made them.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
My Honey
Life may not always be perfect and it is certainly not without hardship. We may have our up's and down's but one thing I know for sure. God created us for one another and truly, It's a Wonderful Life!
To growing old and wrinkly together. I'll chew your food if you'll chew mine....Happy Valentines Day. I love you to Heaven and back. I do:)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
They tried to make me go to rehab......
So, in the end, I think it turned into something good and while I have trouble finding hope because this has been such a long battle/ journey, I am praying.
Monday, Barbara got sloshed and started being really nasty to Pop amongst other things. Pop's nurse, Lois said that Tuesday would be her last day working as long as Barbara was there. My dad told us he was going to check her in to the hospital on Tuesday. He means well but often doesn't have the motivation to do the research or see it through. Barbara was bent on getting Pop out of the house yesterday and ended up driving by my house. She wanted to come in and "talk" about it but I wouldn't let her because Lucy was here and I didn't want her in the middle of a grown up conversation once again. Danny and I told her that the problem wasn't Pop and that it was her and that was the reason Lois wasn't coming back. We told her she needed to go to rehab. My dad was there, he'd come over earlier and a few moments later, they both left for home.
Upon reaching the house, Barbara apprehended my dad and they went to lunch. Then, Barbara flipped out and somehow they ended up at the airport where she claimed she was leaving. We knew she wasn't. In the meantime, Danny and I were making a million calls, trying to find out
how to have her forcefully commited without the 10 day wait it would take if we went down the Civil Commitment route. Finally, we told Barbara that she had two choices, she could check into the hospital or we would have Kat press charges against her for the hammer/ scissor incident and she would be arrested and then forced into rehab or back into the psch ward that she'd been in last summer. She panicked and she and my dad didn't come home last night. They stayed in a hotel.
I guess in the long run it worked though, because she's being checked into a rehab facility in Poway tomorrow morning. It's all set up. She goes in to detox for a week and then has an eight week outpatient treatment program with breathalizers and all. I also told her I wanted her to seek treatment for the bipolar.
I had a good conversation with my dad this morning as well. I told him I needed him to be the dad and to protect us kids instead of taking her side. I said that while I am good at being there for others, I need him to remember that I have my own demons that I have to fight and that I need him to do for me sometimes. There was a lot of other stuff but I really and truly pray that this family can mend. And while emotionally I feel like a semi has rolled over me, I also feel a bit more settled today.
On another note, we are in the midst of cleaning the room for Pop. He'll be here tomorrow, on his birthday. Yesterday he said to Lois, "everyone is fighting and I'm worried about Danny and Jess. I don't want to live here anymore. What does there house look like, so I know when I go to live there?" How can I not love that man?
Monday, Barbara got sloshed and started being really nasty to Pop amongst other things. Pop's nurse, Lois said that Tuesday would be her last day working as long as Barbara was there. My dad told us he was going to check her in to the hospital on Tuesday. He means well but often doesn't have the motivation to do the research or see it through. Barbara was bent on getting Pop out of the house yesterday and ended up driving by my house. She wanted to come in and "talk" about it but I wouldn't let her because Lucy was here and I didn't want her in the middle of a grown up conversation once again. Danny and I told her that the problem wasn't Pop and that it was her and that was the reason Lois wasn't coming back. We told her she needed to go to rehab. My dad was there, he'd come over earlier and a few moments later, they both left for home.
Upon reaching the house, Barbara apprehended my dad and they went to lunch. Then, Barbara flipped out and somehow they ended up at the airport where she claimed she was leaving. We knew she wasn't. In the meantime, Danny and I were making a million calls, trying to find out
how to have her forcefully commited without the 10 day wait it would take if we went down the Civil Commitment route. Finally, we told Barbara that she had two choices, she could check into the hospital or we would have Kat press charges against her for the hammer/ scissor incident and she would be arrested and then forced into rehab or back into the psch ward that she'd been in last summer. She panicked and she and my dad didn't come home last night. They stayed in a hotel.
I guess in the long run it worked though, because she's being checked into a rehab facility in Poway tomorrow morning. It's all set up. She goes in to detox for a week and then has an eight week outpatient treatment program with breathalizers and all. I also told her I wanted her to seek treatment for the bipolar.
I had a good conversation with my dad this morning as well. I told him I needed him to be the dad and to protect us kids instead of taking her side. I said that while I am good at being there for others, I need him to remember that I have my own demons that I have to fight and that I need him to do for me sometimes. There was a lot of other stuff but I really and truly pray that this family can mend. And while emotionally I feel like a semi has rolled over me, I also feel a bit more settled today.
On another note, we are in the midst of cleaning the room for Pop. He'll be here tomorrow, on his birthday. Yesterday he said to Lois, "everyone is fighting and I'm worried about Danny and Jess. I don't want to live here anymore. What does there house look like, so I know when I go to live there?" How can I not love that man?
Friday, February 8, 2008
I've Only Quacked Up a Little!
As Liz so eloquently put it in one of her recent posts, when a wee one, over toddler age, puts themself down for a nap midday, a fever is brewing. Lu spent last Friday with a slight fever that had broken by Saturday. Normally, I am one of those mom's that makes the kid rest under penalty of more rest for a couple days after said sickness is gone. In what I can only descirbe as a moment of pure weakness (normally I am supermom, afterall) I gave into the repeated whines of my wee one to play outside with the neighbor, for just a little while. Problem was, it was overcast and REALLY cold (for California) and despite the fact that I made that child bundle up to a ridiculous extent, I had my doubts.
Sunday evening comes and RED HOT little mama. Poor baby, it came back with a vengence. We always let her little body fight off the fever during the day but because she really spikes at night, I usually give her Motrin. This normally works well for a quick recover and although a couple of times she's had a nasty cough, courtesy of mommy's genes, the fever is gone by day two and in its place, snot...snOT and more SNOT. Only this time, the fever was being stubborn and then, it happened. My child started barking like a duck. Her little voice sounded like a really squeeky and slightly demented princess. Croup! This one too, is courtesy of mommy's genes. I was often a barking duck myself as a babe.
I know that she's ok when this sound comes out of her but the gasping in freaks me the heck out! So I moved her into bed with me and every time she "barked" I propped her up more, often under my arm, until she was ok. Problem is, that meant no sleep for me. I watched her on and off and kept feeling her head because, as I stated, the fever was relentless. And every time I began to dose off....bark...bark....quack! I sat next to my child, with my eyes half open, not looking my prettiest, watching five long nights worth of Noggin. The problem is, Noggin repeats the same episodes at night, that it plays during the day. So, I watched two episodes of Oswald and Little Bill, Max and Ruby and Franklin and Little Bear (my favorites) and then, I watched them all over again. I even picked up a yummy meat sauce recipe from the show Cooking with Luis. Thanks Luis, good kid. I made it for dinner last night.
By Wednesday, I realized in my hazy and exhausted stupor, I hadn't even REALLY stopped to pray for my daughter. Not having the energy to say a half way decent prayer, we called The 700 Club. Within an hour, her fever broke, which was awesome because the best remedy for a croup cough is steam from a hot shower and I couldn't give her one with a fever. Despite the fact that the cough reached a 'bad place' last night, the shower steam did help and I have hopes that tonight might bring me Noggin free sleep. Because my noggin, shutting down for an entire night, is all I really want. Although I will, with no shame, admit that I will miss Franklin and Little Bear, just a tiny bit.
As for my little barking duck, she was able to enjoy a (waddle) trip to the nursery today for some (warm) fresh air. I am so glad that the sun rises every morning and that God knows the prayer in our hearts when our lips are too tired to form the words.
Sunday evening comes and RED HOT little mama. Poor baby, it came back with a vengence. We always let her little body fight off the fever during the day but because she really spikes at night, I usually give her Motrin. This normally works well for a quick recover and although a couple of times she's had a nasty cough, courtesy of mommy's genes, the fever is gone by day two and in its place, snot...snOT and more SNOT. Only this time, the fever was being stubborn and then, it happened. My child started barking like a duck. Her little voice sounded like a really squeeky and slightly demented princess. Croup! This one too, is courtesy of mommy's genes. I was often a barking duck myself as a babe.
I know that she's ok when this sound comes out of her but the gasping in freaks me the heck out! So I moved her into bed with me and every time she "barked" I propped her up more, often under my arm, until she was ok. Problem is, that meant no sleep for me. I watched her on and off and kept feeling her head because, as I stated, the fever was relentless. And every time I began to dose off....bark...bark....quack! I sat next to my child, with my eyes half open, not looking my prettiest, watching five long nights worth of Noggin. The problem is, Noggin repeats the same episodes at night, that it plays during the day. So, I watched two episodes of Oswald and Little Bill, Max and Ruby and Franklin and Little Bear (my favorites) and then, I watched them all over again. I even picked up a yummy meat sauce recipe from the show Cooking with Luis. Thanks Luis, good kid. I made it for dinner last night.
By Wednesday, I realized in my hazy and exhausted stupor, I hadn't even REALLY stopped to pray for my daughter. Not having the energy to say a half way decent prayer, we called The 700 Club. Within an hour, her fever broke, which was awesome because the best remedy for a croup cough is steam from a hot shower and I couldn't give her one with a fever. Despite the fact that the cough reached a 'bad place' last night, the shower steam did help and I have hopes that tonight might bring me Noggin free sleep. Because my noggin, shutting down for an entire night, is all I really want. Although I will, with no shame, admit that I will miss Franklin and Little Bear, just a tiny bit.
As for my little barking duck, she was able to enjoy a (waddle) trip to the nursery today for some (warm) fresh air. I am so glad that the sun rises every morning and that God knows the prayer in our hearts when our lips are too tired to form the words.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Searching for a King- Poetry Corner
SEARCHING FOR THE KING
I was alone and scared,
The world was big and I was small.
I felt like no one cared,
About my life at all.
I heard about a man,
Called the King of Kings,
He had the power to understand,
And make a mute heart sing.
If there existed such a savior,
I would search each far off land.
Perhaps he would show favor,
And give me strength to stand.
So to England I raced,
For with all its history,
It seemed the perfect place,
To search for royalty.
I checked Buckingham Palace,
And asked around,
many offered solace,
But my King could not be found.
I traveled on to Egypt,
With their pyramids and pharaohs,
I felt they would be equipped,
To tell me what I needed to know.
My King did not reside there,
And I began to doubt my quest,
If he wasn’t real, who would care,
About me? And for a moment I digressed.
But my life was at such a desperate point,
I had to try once more,
I could only focus my hope on the King that would anoint,
My life, and allow my broken wings to soar.
I traveled to Los Angeles, where American royalty thrives,
In Beverly Hills mansions, the god of celebrity resides.
Surely a King of great stature would dwell in a monument so regal,
Then suddenly I hoped I was wrong, for the idea seemed feeble.
I continued knocking on doors, each one slammed in my face,
At that point I felt so weary and still there was no trace,
So lacking the energy and will to roam,
I gave up on my search and headed home.
I was defeated, where had I gone wrong?
I had faithfully believed, but now all hope was gone.
I could not imagine another place that a true King would abide,
I had looked in the most prestigious lands worldwide.
I started up the walkway that leads to the front door of my home,
Startled to find a handsome man waiting there,
The emptiness inside me filled, I was no longer on my own,
And hope filled the air.
He was not as I had imagined a King,
But I knew it was him right away.
Nothing was proud about him, not a thing,
He spoke in such a gentle way,
Then he smiled and my sadness lifted as he began to say,
“My child, I’ve been waiting for you, to tire of being alone,
I knocked but you weren’t ready to answer, but now I see you’ve grown,
Your heart is the palace in which this King wants to dance,
And your life is the one I long to enhance,
I would like to come in,” he asked intone,
So I unlocked the door and welcomed my king home.
I was alone and scared,
The world was big and I was small.
I felt like no one cared,
About my life at all.
I heard about a man,
Called the King of Kings,
He had the power to understand,
And make a mute heart sing.
If there existed such a savior,
I would search each far off land.
Perhaps he would show favor,
And give me strength to stand.
So to England I raced,
For with all its history,
It seemed the perfect place,
To search for royalty.
I checked Buckingham Palace,
And asked around,
many offered solace,
But my King could not be found.
I traveled on to Egypt,
With their pyramids and pharaohs,
I felt they would be equipped,
To tell me what I needed to know.
My King did not reside there,
And I began to doubt my quest,
If he wasn’t real, who would care,
About me? And for a moment I digressed.
But my life was at such a desperate point,
I had to try once more,
I could only focus my hope on the King that would anoint,
My life, and allow my broken wings to soar.
I traveled to Los Angeles, where American royalty thrives,
In Beverly Hills mansions, the god of celebrity resides.
Surely a King of great stature would dwell in a monument so regal,
Then suddenly I hoped I was wrong, for the idea seemed feeble.
I continued knocking on doors, each one slammed in my face,
At that point I felt so weary and still there was no trace,
So lacking the energy and will to roam,
I gave up on my search and headed home.
I was defeated, where had I gone wrong?
I had faithfully believed, but now all hope was gone.
I could not imagine another place that a true King would abide,
I had looked in the most prestigious lands worldwide.
I started up the walkway that leads to the front door of my home,
Startled to find a handsome man waiting there,
The emptiness inside me filled, I was no longer on my own,
And hope filled the air.
He was not as I had imagined a King,
But I knew it was him right away.
Nothing was proud about him, not a thing,
He spoke in such a gentle way,
Then he smiled and my sadness lifted as he began to say,
“My child, I’ve been waiting for you, to tire of being alone,
I knocked but you weren’t ready to answer, but now I see you’ve grown,
Your heart is the palace in which this King wants to dance,
And your life is the one I long to enhance,
I would like to come in,” he asked intone,
So I unlocked the door and welcomed my king home.
J.L. (c) 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
Update
I know I haven't been posting much more than poems as of late and it's not because things aren't going on per say, rather they're too complicated or too strange or I'm just too tired to try. Besides that, I don't want to constantly be that person with those depressing posts!
So, good things first. My brother Michael came out on Monday with his girlfriend Alex. I'll post a picture this weekend. Before hand I will admit I had some mixed feelings about meeting her. Something to the extent of, what if we don't get along and I just got him (in my life) and I don't want to share him yet:) I know, I'm five years old. I REALLY wanted to like her though, I promise. Also, they went to San Fransisco first to see her sister, then to L.A. to visit a friend of his and then down here so we only had one day with them, Tuesday. I was, of course, happy to have any time with Michael but I've also been really tired lately and I didn't think I had it in me to be "on" with meeting his girlfriend and all. The moment I met her Monday night, I knew that wouldn't be a problem. She immediantly was sweet to Lucy which of course means the most to me. And she was kind and attentive to her the whole time. Not in that patronizing way but in (truly) showing interest in her school and in what she had to say which I will admit I don't even accomplish all the time. My child is as high energy and crazy as her...um....mother (great now it's in writing) and when she gets excited, say when a favorite uncle is visiting, she tends to act like a crack head on speed. Anyway, Alex rocks and we're hoping they'll come back for birthday celebrations in August.
Now the "other" news. I haven't slept much in two and a half weeks and I think I'm having trouble processing things. It's like I have all this information in my head that I have no idea what to do with. Danny went to get the window fixed in my Jeep on Tuesday and Dan (at the gas station) asked him about Barbara's latest stunt which we hadn't heard about. She's spent much of the last couple of weeks drunk. We know this because she calls us and asks the same questions over and over again. So, last Friday, she got mad at Kat for something and tried to get into her locked room. When Kat wouldn't open, Barbara got a hammer and broke through the door....thoughts of the movie The Shining came to our minds. Barbara breaks through, "Here's Barbie"! Once in the room, she went after Kat with the hammer, apparently yelling something about it being her last day. Now understand Barbara has been doing this since I was a kid. She likes to pick up "weapons" and threaten her children with them. Usually the house is damaged more than the people as is the case this time. She ended up breaking Kat's double window and then grabbing a pair of scissors and chasing her around the house. The glass guy was called out for a quick fix/cover up.
The thing is, I know that these are circumstances that I cannot control. And the town can talk all they want. It's all true and I've never cared what others thought anyway. What makes me sad is that this was a family. Not a perfect one and Barbara always had her issues, to put it nicely. But they cared how others saw us. Now they don't. Dad seems as gone as she is. I don't know if he's just fed up, trying not to care or sick and not telling us. I can't read him anymore. In short, a family, part of my family, has broken into tiny pieces. The people I knew are gone and I'm not sure they're coming back. So while I continue to live the best I can for my own family, these things are there, haunting me and making me sad. That's the only word I have for it right now. Because while I know I am completly not alone, I feel very alone in this knowledge. I feel very confused on how to handle it. I know, due to an incident that occured at the end of 2006, that Lucy is not safe around Barbara so we've already cut contact off for the most part between the two of them. I try to keep my distance too and once Pop's here, it'll be that much easier.
I'm rambling now so I'm going to stop. Again, life isn't horrible, just confusing the heck out me. Did I mention that I could REALLY use a good night sleep? ZZzzzz....
So, good things first. My brother Michael came out on Monday with his girlfriend Alex. I'll post a picture this weekend. Before hand I will admit I had some mixed feelings about meeting her. Something to the extent of, what if we don't get along and I just got him (in my life) and I don't want to share him yet:) I know, I'm five years old. I REALLY wanted to like her though, I promise. Also, they went to San Fransisco first to see her sister, then to L.A. to visit a friend of his and then down here so we only had one day with them, Tuesday. I was, of course, happy to have any time with Michael but I've also been really tired lately and I didn't think I had it in me to be "on" with meeting his girlfriend and all. The moment I met her Monday night, I knew that wouldn't be a problem. She immediantly was sweet to Lucy which of course means the most to me. And she was kind and attentive to her the whole time. Not in that patronizing way but in (truly) showing interest in her school and in what she had to say which I will admit I don't even accomplish all the time. My child is as high energy and crazy as her...um....mother (great now it's in writing) and when she gets excited, say when a favorite uncle is visiting, she tends to act like a crack head on speed. Anyway, Alex rocks and we're hoping they'll come back for birthday celebrations in August.
Now the "other" news. I haven't slept much in two and a half weeks and I think I'm having trouble processing things. It's like I have all this information in my head that I have no idea what to do with. Danny went to get the window fixed in my Jeep on Tuesday and Dan (at the gas station) asked him about Barbara's latest stunt which we hadn't heard about. She's spent much of the last couple of weeks drunk. We know this because she calls us and asks the same questions over and over again. So, last Friday, she got mad at Kat for something and tried to get into her locked room. When Kat wouldn't open, Barbara got a hammer and broke through the door....thoughts of the movie The Shining came to our minds. Barbara breaks through, "Here's Barbie"! Once in the room, she went after Kat with the hammer, apparently yelling something about it being her last day. Now understand Barbara has been doing this since I was a kid. She likes to pick up "weapons" and threaten her children with them. Usually the house is damaged more than the people as is the case this time. She ended up breaking Kat's double window and then grabbing a pair of scissors and chasing her around the house. The glass guy was called out for a quick fix/cover up.
The thing is, I know that these are circumstances that I cannot control. And the town can talk all they want. It's all true and I've never cared what others thought anyway. What makes me sad is that this was a family. Not a perfect one and Barbara always had her issues, to put it nicely. But they cared how others saw us. Now they don't. Dad seems as gone as she is. I don't know if he's just fed up, trying not to care or sick and not telling us. I can't read him anymore. In short, a family, part of my family, has broken into tiny pieces. The people I knew are gone and I'm not sure they're coming back. So while I continue to live the best I can for my own family, these things are there, haunting me and making me sad. That's the only word I have for it right now. Because while I know I am completly not alone, I feel very alone in this knowledge. I feel very confused on how to handle it. I know, due to an incident that occured at the end of 2006, that Lucy is not safe around Barbara so we've already cut contact off for the most part between the two of them. I try to keep my distance too and once Pop's here, it'll be that much easier.
I'm rambling now so I'm going to stop. Again, life isn't horrible, just confusing the heck out me. Did I mention that I could REALLY use a good night sleep? ZZzzzz....
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