I've been blogging flogged!

Thanks to Lovely Liz, I'm not sure this is going to link because my blog's been under the weather, I've been flagged or should I say flogged? Ok, so here goes:

1. When I go to the grocery store, all the same foods have to be with their own kind and organized neatly on the conveyor belt. This drives Danny crazy because, "they all get dumped into bags anyway."


2. I wanted to name Lucy, Elke. But Lucy chose her own name. I asked her to kick for the one she liked, Elke, Gillian or Lucy and the only one she started dancing to was Lucy.


3. Danny and I want to do missionary work in Panama some day. My Paternal/ biological family is Panamanian and lived there and worked for the government there for a good portion of their lives.

4. I can sing in English, Spanish and Italian quite well. I have to work on French next. Gira Con Mi

5. If I didn't get married when I did, I was looking into joining the peace core or even becoming a nun. I know I’d be worse than Maria!

6. Just one extra! Lucy is a mini me, only a better me or the best me. Whenever I question the path I took (or was forced onto) in life or how I would’ve liked for so much of it to have been different, I see or think about her and know it was all worth it. I wouldn’t change a single moment of hardship if it meant not having her because she is my greatest accomplishment. And I know God needed her in his army.

Now, the only person I can flag is Danny but I will do this personally because he's WAY behind on his blogging! I can add Jamie who has yet to FINISH her blog! What can I say, everyone I know is still in the myspace phase?

Looking Up

Thanks to all that said a prayer. Pop seems to be adjusting to his new home. His needs are being met so much better and I'm starting to realize that he really wasn't even getting close to the physical care he needed before. Please continue to pray that emotionally he will be happy and mentally he will be somewhat clear.

As for the "parents", I am taking a, time to be determined at a later date, hiatus. The thing is, I am willing to forgive Barbara for the things she did in the past, although I am still healing from some of them that have profoundly effected my life. The way I keep explaining my feelings is that I am willing to forgive but I feel like she's inflicted this wound on me and every time it starts to heal, she re-opens it. I know that's gross but it's the best description I can think of. Then, as far as my dad is concerned, he stumbles upon her inflicting the wound on me and not only doesn't do anything to stop it, but tells me she really didn't mean it! Since when is the assaulter given a pass while the assaulted is made to seem like they're overreacting?

So now, when I'm around her and even him, (because while he offered a lot more help with the Pop situation, he did give her the wine and has made never ending excuses for her bad behavior as well as not protecting Lucy when she really needed to be), all I feel is anger. Anger is such an ugly feeling and eventually it makes us sick. I don't want to feel that way but as long as they're still living the way they are, I don't feel like I can be part of it. And until I figure out how to work through my feelings and what the stipulations are to allowing them back in my life, I need some distance.

Besides, I was supposed to start school in January and because of the intrusions on my life, have pushed it off until May. I wanted to put myself and our family (Danny and Lu) first in 2008 and yet once again, Barbara's craziness monopolizes everything. Only now that Pop is safe and we can visit him whenever we want in a peaceful way, we can concentrate on the three of us. I honestly fell like, for the first time in my entire life, I have the actual choice to NOT take care of 'them' anymore and I can put my needs first. Wow, what will I do with myself?

Again, thanks to all for your support. Maybe now, I can start posting happy family events:) I look forward to my biggest problem of the day being what to make for dinner. I've started teaching Lu how to cook and have written up a curriculum for it. Last night she did really well, Salmon, asparagus and carrots and baby red potato's. Tonight, salad, garlic bread and Spaghetti. See that? Problem of the day, solved.

When it rains the dam breaks and you drown

So, yesterday, at the pushing/urging of one of Pop's nurses, home health care and my father, who thought everything would just be magical with Barbara when Pop was gone, we had Pop taken to Kaiser. Of course we had to sit all day, waiting in the room they gave him at the ER. Finally, they came in and told us that the nursing home would have to discuss payment with us. That added up to around $3000 more a month than he brings in with social security. We were told this by a social worker a while ago but for some reason, everyone last week that we spoke to didn't mention anything about it and instead stressed the importance of getting him out because it was an abusive situation. So, no one can afford that and he isn't eligible for medical because he makes too much.

Now, because the nurse gave Home Health Care the information about the abuse, he can't go back to the Lennon's house. They offer to have him stay the night in a hospital so we can check out some private homes. These are the one's that have about six people living in them in a private home with 24 hour nursing. Pop would be a perfect candidate we were told by the guy who does this for a living. Only, I wasn't sure we'd be able to research it enough in one day and I didn't just want to throw him into a crappy place so we brought him home late last night.

We called the nurse to tell her he was at our house and found out that she, without even knowing for sure that Pop was going into a home, planned her week doing other things. There were certain evenings and days she couldn't come. The other nurse is sick and they've wanted to quit for a while anyway but they said they'd try to help. We tell her she needs to come this week. So, she shows up this morning, (this woman has been trying for two weeks to get out of this with every excuse possible but still insisting on severance pay) changes Pop, comes out and says, "I can't work for you here. It reeks with the cats and Pop's diapers. I'll come in the mornings through Friday but you'll have to find someone for the afternoons (we have no one) and then, she walks out and leaves. Now, I'll admit my house was not rose smelling because the dogs had been in the laundry room for a few days because of the rain, but we scrubbed it the best we could and the dogs went out and the room was cleaned this morning. Plus, she'd already been here a week or so ago (it smelled pretty much the same, maybe a little better) and she went on about how nice it was and how she'd work just fine here.

So, Danny and I rushed around and stayed on the phone for most of today to find a good place for him, my parents don't care and my dad went out and got Barbara wine last night. Lucy has CYT tonight, her show's in a few weeks, she's already missed a few classes because of sickness and we weren't sure she'd be able to go tonight. That was upsetting me more than anything. It is so very unfair for her life to suffer because she has selfish family members. Please send some extra prayers up for us and especially for Pop. We found a decent place in Lakeside for him and we're moving him in tonight and I just want him to be happy.

Kids Rock!

It was a lovely rainy and dark morning. Did you see how I set the mood there? I was being lazy and not dragging my backside out of bed. I called Lucy in to snuggle with me. She brought some fairy garb. My dad had just called with another Barbara vs. Nurse dilemma so while I wasn't really sad or upset, I needed a hug from my baby. As I snuggled her, she said in a cute sarcastic voice, "want a tiara?" and put it in front of my face. "No thank you." I laughed. "How about a magic wand?" again showing it to me. "No thanks, I'm full," I replied. Very seriously but with a hint of silliness she said flatly, "a wand is a magical stick." "You're such a dork" came my response as we both started to giggle. Thank God for kids because thanks to her, I got up feeling cheery instead of dreary. Love my girl!

It is my dysfunction that makes me normal

Just a quick update. Barbara was released from rehab yesterday. She wanted to stay another three weeks (I have a feeling she enjoyed the attention) but the insurance would only cover a week. I told my dad he could appeal but I don't think he will. I just wonder how much good five days did. Usually by the third day, the worst of the withdrawal occurs and though it's a little better on day four, it's still there. She needed at least another week to start functioning a bit more normal and everyone knows it takes between 28-30 days to break and/or make a habit.

Plus, they put her on Valium to get her off the Ativan which is an anxiety drug that is very addictive and dangerous to take when a person is drinking. I do question how wise it is to put someone who obviously already has addiction problems on Valium and then send them home. The other thing I'm having a huge problem with is that her psychologist told her they couldn't test for bipolar disorder until she was off the alcohol. Then, they tested her anyway and said she's not bipolar but has depression and anxiety. This upsets me because it truly makes me wonder how these "professionals" can give her some test and not see what is so clear. Everyone close to her knows that she has some kind of mood disorder and twice now, two idiots who have known her for a couple hours to a couple of days have dismissed this obvious fact. I am starting to wonder where these people went to school. One would think they would be trained to give the right tests and recognize that many people that have serious addictions are skilled liars. And one would think, they would call the family in and ask them questions to determine the truth.

As for Pop, he's still at my parents house but he needs to leave now that she's home. Especially by Saturday because the second nurse has refused to come back while Barbara is there. The reason he's still there is that some things have come up that have made deciding what's right for him, difficult. First, his main nurse (she works six days a week) has to go to Maryland for two months because her own mother needs some care. Also, she believes, at this point, that Pop needs more care than we can provide him at home. He has some bed sores. She keeps them at bay but the problem is that he needs to be changed more often. She leaves at 3:00pm every day and doesn't come back until 8:30 in the morning. When there's "a mess" which happens often in the middle of the night, he gets confused and things get kinda disgusting. It would also help if he was able to have a full shower which is impossible at home. He also has started to try and get out of bed more as of late. This, of course is dangerous. Lastly, we all have some concerns about Lucy. Sometimes Pop gets confused and angry and gets nasty. We could handle this but she shouldn't have to. Lastly, what happens if one morning he doesn't wake up and she's the first in there?

The nurse thinks we should place him into a home while she's gone and see how he does. If he starts to really go downhill, we can always bring him here but if he does well, the physical care would be so much better for him. I'm so torn. I'm trying to decide what's best for him. Emotionally, I think our home might be the best but physically, I know the nursing home would be best. I feel like a crappy granddaughter for even considering it but I also have to protect Lucy. I do feel we won't have a choice for the two months that the nurse will be gone because it would be too difficult to find another one at the price she charges and one that Pop gets along with. I guess we may not have a choice but to give the nursing home a two month trial while she's gone and see if it works best for him.

In happier news, Lucy had the "best birthday ever!"

I think I'm going to run away. Anyone need a live in cook?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL!

Beautiful Lu...Happy 8th birthday. Wow! Where'd the time go? You're such a lovely little lady and smart to boot. We're so proud to be your mommy and daddy. We thank God each and every night for entrusting us with your care. We hope we're doing ok:) Blessings on your life!

"Pretty little one, how's it all begun? They're teaching you to walk but you're already on the run."

HAPPY B- DAY BIG APPLE...the man not the city

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD aka PA TOM! You've overcome so much and still smile:) That's a rare gift. You've taught us generosity and laughter and the best kind of silly sarcasm. We hope you know that you are loved and all you do does not go unnoticed. Every little act of kindness you have, do and will extend to others, often placing your own general needs on the back burner, are wonderfully appreciated. And the one's we don't see, God does, and we know He is proud too. MANY MORE BLESSED YEARS WE PRAY THE LORD BESTOWS UPON YOU!!!! WE LOVE U.... LU, DANNY AND YOUR APPLE

ED MUST GO DOWN!!!!

Polly Ann Williams, 33 years old, took her own life on February 8th. She became known worldwide after appearing on the documentary Thin in 2006. Polly's suffering became too much for her to fight any longer, and she was a fighter. She was well loved in the eating disorder community and our hearts go out to her family.

For those of us that are left to fight on a daily basis, we must keep on! It is an ugly disease that many do not understand. We must continue to bring awareness to the world and to NEVER give up the fight against it. I'm sure Polly and others like her wouldn't want any of us to quit trying to heal and to help others heal. We need better treatment and better insurance coverage.

I pray Heaven opened its gates for her and that her Father embraced her. I hope she was welcomed by Janell, my childhood neighbor and friend that lost her battle to anorexia in 2003. May there be no more angels lost to this and may we teach our daughters to love themselves and know that they are beautiful because God made them.

My Honey

Life may not always be perfect and it is certainly not without hardship. We may have our up's and down's but one thing I know for sure. God created us for one another and truly, It's a Wonderful Life!

To growing old and wrinkly together. I'll chew your food if you'll chew mine....Happy Valentines Day. I love you to Heaven and back. I do:)

Pooh Bear aka Pop

Happy Birthday to our beloved Pop! May you live another 96 years. A man with such a beautiful heart could only come into this world on Valentine's Day:)

They tried to make me go to rehab......

So, in the end, I think it turned into something good and while I have trouble finding hope because this has been such a long battle/ journey, I am praying.

Monday, Barbara got sloshed and started being really nasty to Pop amongst other things. Pop's nurse, Lois said that Tuesday would be her last day working as long as Barbara was there. My dad told us he was going to check her in to the hospital on Tuesday. He means well but often doesn't have the motivation to do the research or see it through. Barbara was bent on getting Pop out of the house yesterday and ended up driving by my house. She wanted to come in and "talk" about it but I wouldn't let her because Lucy was here and I didn't want her in the middle of a grown up conversation once again. Danny and I told her that the problem wasn't Pop and that it was her and that was the reason Lois wasn't coming back. We told her she needed to go to rehab. My dad was there, he'd come over earlier and a few moments later, they both left for home.

Upon reaching the house, Barbara apprehended my dad and they went to lunch. Then, Barbara flipped out and somehow they ended up at the airport where she claimed she was leaving. We knew she wasn't. In the meantime, Danny and I were making a million calls, trying to find out
how to have her forcefully commited without the 10 day wait it would take if we went down the Civil Commitment route. Finally, we told Barbara that she had two choices, she could check into the hospital or we would have Kat press charges against her for the hammer/ scissor incident and she would be arrested and then forced into rehab or back into the psch ward that she'd been in last summer. She panicked and she and my dad didn't come home last night. They stayed in a hotel.

I guess in the long run it worked though, because she's being checked into a rehab facility in Poway tomorrow morning. It's all set up. She goes in to detox for a week and then has an eight week outpatient treatment program with breathalizers and all. I also told her I wanted her to seek treatment for the bipolar.


I had a good conversation with my dad this morning as well. I told him I needed him to be the dad and to protect us kids instead of taking her side. I said that while I am good at being there for others, I need him to remember that I have my own demons that I have to fight and that I need him to do for me sometimes. There was a lot of other stuff but I really and truly pray that this family can mend. And while emotionally I feel like a semi has rolled over me, I also feel a bit more settled today.

On another note, we are in the midst of cleaning the room for Pop. He'll be here tomorrow, on his birthday. Yesterday he said to Lois, "everyone is fighting and I'm worried about Danny and Jess. I don't want to live here anymore. What does there house look like, so I know when I go to live there?" How can I not love that man?

I've Only Quacked Up a Little!

As Liz so eloquently put it in one of her recent posts, when a wee one, over toddler age, puts themself down for a nap midday, a fever is brewing. Lu spent last Friday with a slight fever that had broken by Saturday. Normally, I am one of those mom's that makes the kid rest under penalty of more rest for a couple days after said sickness is gone. In what I can only descirbe as a moment of pure weakness (normally I am supermom, afterall) I gave into the repeated whines of my wee one to play outside with the neighbor, for just a little while. Problem was, it was overcast and REALLY cold (for California) and despite the fact that I made that child bundle up to a ridiculous extent, I had my doubts.

Sunday evening comes and RED HOT little mama. Poor baby, it came back with a vengence. We always let her little body fight off the fever during the day but because she really spikes at night, I usually give her Motrin. This normally works well for a quick recover and although a couple of times she's had a nasty cough, courtesy of mommy's genes, the fever is gone by day two and in its place, snot...snOT and more SNOT. Only this time, the fever was being stubborn and then, it happened. My child started barking like a duck. Her little voice sounded like a really squeeky and slightly demented princess. Croup! This one too, is courtesy of mommy's genes. I was often a barking duck myself as a babe.

I know that she's ok when this sound comes out of her but the gasping in freaks me the heck out! So I moved her into bed with me and every time she "barked" I propped her up more, often under my arm, until she was ok. Problem is, that meant no sleep for me. I watched her on and off and kept feeling her head because, as I stated, the fever was relentless. And every time I began to dose off....bark...bark....quack! I sat next to my child, with my eyes half open, not looking my prettiest, watching five long nights worth of Noggin. The problem is, Noggin repeats the same episodes at night, that it plays during the day. So, I watched two episodes of Oswald and Little Bill, Max and Ruby and Franklin and Little Bear (my favorites) and then, I watched them all over again. I even picked up a yummy meat sauce recipe from the show Cooking with Luis. Thanks Luis, good kid. I made it for dinner last night.

By Wednesday, I realized in my hazy and exhausted stupor, I hadn't even REALLY stopped to pray for my daughter. Not having the energy to say a half way decent prayer, we called The 700 Club. Within an hour, her fever broke, which was awesome because the best remedy for a croup cough is steam from a hot shower and I couldn't give her one with a fever. Despite the fact that the cough reached a 'bad place' last night, the shower steam did help and I have hopes that tonight might bring me Noggin free sleep. Because my noggin, shutting down for an entire night, is all I really want. Although I will, with no shame, admit that I will miss Franklin and Little Bear, just a tiny bit.

As for my little barking duck, she was able to enjoy a (waddle) trip to the nursery today for some (warm) fresh air. I am so glad that the sun rises every morning and that God knows the prayer in our hearts when our lips are too tired to form the words.

Searching for a King- Poetry Corner

SEARCHING FOR THE KING

I was alone and scared,
The world was big and I was small.
I felt like no one cared,
About my life at all.

I heard about a man,
Called the King of Kings,
He had the power to understand,
And make a mute heart sing.

If there existed such a savior,
I would search each far off land.
Perhaps he would show favor,
And give me strength to stand.

So to England I raced,
For with all its history,
It seemed the perfect place,
To search for royalty.

I checked Buckingham Palace,
And asked around,
many offered solace,
But my King could not be found.

I traveled on to Egypt,
With their pyramids and pharaohs,
I felt they would be equipped,
To tell me what I needed to know.

My King did not reside there,
And I began to doubt my quest,
If he wasn’t real, who would care,
About me? And for a moment I digressed.

But my life was at such a desperate point,
I had to try once more,
I could only focus my hope on the King that would anoint,
My life, and allow my broken wings to soar.

I traveled to Los Angeles, where American royalty thrives,
In Beverly Hills mansions, the god of celebrity resides.
Surely a King of great stature would dwell in a monument so regal,
Then suddenly I hoped I was wrong, for the idea seemed feeble.

I continued knocking on doors, each one slammed in my face,
At that point I felt so weary and still there was no trace,
So lacking the energy and will to roam,
I gave up on my search and headed home.

I was defeated, where had I gone wrong?
I had faithfully believed, but now all hope was gone.
I could not imagine another place that a true King would abide,
I had looked in the most prestigious lands worldwide.

I started up the walkway that leads to the front door of my home,
Startled to find a handsome man waiting there,
The emptiness inside me filled, I was no longer on my own,
And hope filled the air.

He was not as I had imagined a King,
But I knew it was him right away.
Nothing was proud about him, not a thing,
He spoke in such a gentle way,
Then he smiled and my sadness lifted as he began to say,

“My child, I’ve been waiting for you, to tire of being alone,
I knocked but you weren’t ready to answer, but now I see you’ve grown,
Your heart is the palace in which this King wants to dance,
And your life is the one I long to enhance,
I would like to come in,” he asked intone,

So I unlocked the door and welcomed my king home.

J.L. (c) 2008

Update

I know I haven't been posting much more than poems as of late and it's not because things aren't going on per say, rather they're too complicated or too strange or I'm just too tired to try. Besides that, I don't want to constantly be that person with those depressing posts!


So, good things first. My brother Michael came out on Monday with his girlfriend Alex. I'll post a picture this weekend. Before hand I will admit I had some mixed feelings about meeting her. Something to the extent of, what if we don't get along and I just got him (in my life) and I don't want to share him yet:) I know, I'm five years old. I REALLY wanted to like her though, I promise. Also, they went to San Fransisco first to see her sister, then to L.A. to visit a friend of his and then down here so we only had one day with them, Tuesday. I was, of course, happy to have any time with Michael but I've also been really tired lately and I didn't think I had it in me to be "on" with meeting his girlfriend and all. The moment I met her Monday night, I knew that wouldn't be a problem. She immediantly was sweet to Lucy which of course means the most to me. And she was kind and attentive to her the whole time. Not in that patronizing way but in (truly) showing interest in her school and in what she had to say which I will admit I don't even accomplish all the time. My child is as high energy and crazy as her...um....mother (great now it's in writing) and when she gets excited, say when a favorite uncle is visiting, she tends to act like a crack head on speed. Anyway, Alex rocks and we're hoping they'll come back for birthday celebrations in August.


Now the "other" news. I haven't slept much in two and a half weeks and I think I'm having trouble processing things. It's like I have all this information in my head that I have no idea what to do with. Danny went to get the window fixed in my Jeep on Tuesday and Dan (at the gas station) asked him about Barbara's latest stunt which we hadn't heard about. She's spent much of the last couple of weeks drunk. We know this because she calls us and asks the same questions over and over again. So, last Friday, she got mad at Kat for something and tried to get into her locked room. When Kat wouldn't open, Barbara got a hammer and broke through the door....thoughts of the movie The Shining came to our minds. Barbara breaks through, "Here's Barbie"! Once in the room, she went after Kat with the hammer, apparently yelling something about it being her last day. Now understand Barbara has been doing this since I was a kid. She likes to pick up "weapons" and threaten her children with them. Usually the house is damaged more than the people as is the case this time. She ended up breaking Kat's double window and then grabbing a pair of scissors and chasing her around the house. The glass guy was called out for a quick fix/cover up.


The thing is, I know that these are circumstances that I cannot control. And the town can talk all they want. It's all true and I've never cared what others thought anyway. What makes me sad is that this was a family. Not a perfect one and Barbara always had her issues, to put it nicely. But they cared how others saw us. Now they don't. Dad seems as gone as she is. I don't know if he's just fed up, trying not to care or sick and not telling us. I can't read him anymore. In short, a family, part of my family, has broken into tiny pieces. The people I knew are gone and I'm not sure they're coming back. So while I continue to live the best I can for my own family, these things are there, haunting me and making me sad. That's the only word I have for it right now. Because while I know I am completly not alone, I feel very alone in this knowledge. I feel very confused on how to handle it. I know, due to an incident that occured at the end of 2006, that Lucy is not safe around Barbara so we've already cut contact off for the most part between the two of them. I try to keep my distance too and once Pop's here, it'll be that much easier.

I'm rambling now so I'm going to stop. Again, life isn't horrible, just confusing the heck out me. Did I mention that I could REALLY use a good night sleep? ZZzzzz....